sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
