I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
