I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter