garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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