What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
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Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
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I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.