I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??