my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.