genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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