well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
