oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize