His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
