the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
