if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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