How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
