i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
