Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You have to summon your inner elephant
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
