I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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