Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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