I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
