guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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