I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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