My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
