Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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