Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
