just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She told me I should be a condom model.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
