I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
