i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
