It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
