good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
