My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
