I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
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Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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