You're a womanizer and a bitch.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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