I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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