Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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