I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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