We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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