I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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