take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
