i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
