Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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