My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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