i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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