That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
