the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
