good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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