I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
