I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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