i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
