Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
