I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
