that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
