i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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