I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If that was your dad, he is hot
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
