an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Randomize
