thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
