It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
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I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
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I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize