I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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