I saw his package. It spoke to me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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