Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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