Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
