So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
