So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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